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desolate places  
12:06am 10/12/2007
 
 
Darth Plumptious
In this moment of quiet isolation;  in this moment of reflection:  I am grateful for all the suffering I've endured.  Yet, I fear, that this gratefulness will command the attention of God, and that he shall smite me with more suffering for my arrogance.  I fear that God will deform me, and make me hideous, as it is to his liking.  To be grateful for suffering is monstrous, and it is the cause of even worse catastrophe.  I hunger for pain and misery.  I long to prove my strength to the world.  Surely I speak forbidden things.  I can fathom hells worse than any fire and brimstone.  Hells of horrific deformity and humiliation.  All this I must suffer to be like God.  I must suffer the lives of every man and woman high and low on this earth and beyond.  My consciousness jumps between bodies and periods of time, to experience the full wrath and pleasure of existence.    I, the Lord on earth yield to the Lord in heaven, and I await his wrath.  I shall not fight it, but accept it tacitly.  I've climbed many mountains in darkness to find myself facing a vast wasteland.  Across the desert I will journey.
 
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Profiting from my sins  
11:00pm 30/10/2007
 
 
Darth Plumptious
I have been very abusive to my mother over my entire life because of a mental illness, or, perhaps I am evil.  I feel ill when I read the words I've said to my mother.  Why have I been so vile?  Have I died?  Am I the chief liar of death valley?  The Devil Incarnate?  Why have I said the things I've said about others?    Grey castles?  I've committed so many atrocities.  I've murdered thousands of people in Iraq.  I murdered 6 million Jews.  I've shared hypodermic needles.  I've commit suicide 3 times.  I've told my mother that I want to fuck her.  I've told her that I hope she gets raped.  I've blackmailed her.  I've threatened to kill myself to gain power over her.  My mother is Jewish, and I've called her a filthy Jewish whore, and a kike. I'm evil.  I'm evil, I am wicked.  I must be beaten.  I must be threatened and tortured.  Throw me in a furnace for my insolence.  Cast me off into the Tundra to starve and freeze without clothes on my back. 

I am a criminal, vile and filthy.  The worst kind of criminal, the kind that cannot be brought to justice, for the nature of his crimes offends no penal code, that, and he exploits the love and compassion of his family to get his Way.  He's shown no mercy to the people who love him and provide for him.   I have done everything in my power to offend the Judeo/Islamo/Christean conception of God.  I have a tattoo, I have cut my wrists, I have lusted, I have stole, I have lied, I have bullied, I have cheated, I have judged without mercy.  Send me to the pit.  Send me to the pit of Hades.

I should be raped and beaten and burned and spat upon. 
 
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The challenge of starvation  
05:24pm 26/10/2007
 
 
Darth Plumptious
I am 5 foot 9 inches tall and 240 pounds.  Needless to say I despise my body.  I am at my grandparents house right now, and we are soon going to be eating a large meal, which I am debating abstaining from in the interest of losing weight.  I'm 24, and don't want to live the rest of my life as an eye sore.  Despite what many people try to convince themselves of, appearance is of the utmost importance in this world.  If you're fat you are at a disatvantage, atleast that's been my experience.  If you are a guy, girls won't like you, even despise you for being fat.  You'll have no hope of ever fulfilling sexual fantasies, or even attracting a worthwhile mate.  Being fat makes you a target for the merciless law of natural selection.  Nature wants you to die.  The species rejects and discredits you for being fat.  It's an evil beyond all evils relative to our culture.  Being fat means you don't get laid.  Being fat means you don't get respect.  Being fat means you can't be a rockstar.  Being fat makes you a second class citizen.  I'm going to starve myself tonight.  A mechanism has been set in motion to make me resistant to food naturally.  I'm so tired of how I look and feel, that I'm willing to go to bizarre and unhealthy lengths to solve the problem.  I don't care about health, i care about appearance, because that's what truly matters.  My psychology is making food repulsive.  I wish to encourage annorexia in myself, and help it develop to the point where I can lose substantial amounts of weight.
 
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A possiblly suicidal point of view  
10:27pm 25/10/2007
 
 
Darth Plumptious
I've always believed that all drugs should be legalized.  I believe it to be a constitutional right, that a citizen be allowed to choose what they consume or not consume.  I believe that the illegality of pleasure producing narcotics is immoral.  There are many cases, I believe, that can be illustrated in which the use of narcotics is ideal.  I'd use my own situation as a perfect example.  I have been very suicidal over the past few years, deeply depressed.  My saving grace has been alcohol and medicinal marijuana.  I also take psychiatric medication.  Alone, the psych meds always seem to fall way way way way way short of the glory of true happiness.  Although I'm not quite sure what to believe in regards to psychiatric medication, I have been medicated since I was 9 years old, and who's to say that heavy doses of psychiatric medication throughout my developmental years is not the cause of my mental illness.  Many would disagree with me, saying that I was unruly, and displayed signs of tourette's syndrome and depression.  But who sets the standards of conformity for children?  Why is different behavior labeled "bad behavior"? Of course the usual reasons would be given: "it's disruptive, it's interfering with the other children's ability to learn(as if they are learning anything)"  Of course this extends to the next logical argument in favor of such strict conformity "society must be maintained, and individuality is second to the maintenance  of infrastructure which of course is dependent upon strong hierarchies.  I was not integrated well into society, I never seemed to fit.  Psychiatric medication was the principle tool used in regulating my behavior.  My mother would threaten to put me on more medication, or put me into the hospital if I did not behave correctly, and etc...  Needless to say, my childhood was quite miserable.  Yes, I was well provided for, but the drugs carried with them severe side effects, such as: weight gain, severe rashes, dizziness, tiredness,  headaches, nausea, gynocomastia, and etc...  The worst was the gynocomastia, which I had to get surgery to rid myself of twice.  In highschool I had a doctor who would prescribe me all sorts of great things like stimulants and benzos.  I would take fistfuls at a time, it was a marvelous way of life.  It taught me how important of a role chemicals play in my happiness or sadness.  Here I am years later and I use psychiatric medication and many varieties of narcotics to manage my chemistry, and I don't believe that will ever change, and I don't believe that it needs to change.  Drugs give me something to live for.  I don't enjoy television, or movies like others do, and I'm not as entertained by games.  What I enjoy most is using narcotics and creating music, writing, or visual art.  Think about it!  Why isn't that something I can readily get, or that any of us could readily get?  Why not have a grand tea party on the way to our deaths?  If that isn't what someone else facnies, then that's fine, but I would like to have it.  If I cannot be happy with life, and do what I require to achieve my happiness, how is life worth sustaining at all?  If I only get one life, why should I live it as a slave to alarm clocks and supervisors?  I don't wish to get up early for work.  I do not want to go to school.  I wish to get through life as easily as possible, anyone who doesn't is a fool. 

Though, my horizon is quite narrow.  There might be more worth living for. 
 
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