As you know, I am in sober living, wasting my life away. I depise this place. But it's I who am holding myself back. I am riddled with fear and doubt. I cannot move on from this place until I figure out my complicated emotions. There is nothing that I would love more than to spit liquor in my mother's face. Thus expressing my hatred for her enthusiasm regarding my so called recovery. It's societies way of making me tame. It's what the collectivists want. I must live inspite of these degenerates. Many harsh words have been slung back and forth thus far. I have encountered resentment and anger from my compatriots. Most of those whom I know personally disdain me. I do not blame them. I am not someone to be admired. I am a drug addict. Hopelessly completely dependent. I cannot do what so called recovery requires of me. I will not relinquish my will to a group mind. I am determined to stay in possesion of my will even if it means my complete destruction. I am selfish yes. I am mostly fruitless and lazy, yes. I do what gives me pleasure, damn the consequences. But I have awakened. I am lucid now. I am in control. I fighting an internal battle, to gain dominion over my own will. It's paradoxical yes. I am using my will to fight for my will, which subsequently is possessed by an addiction and a fear of life. They accuse me. They accuse me of violence and rape. I am innocent. There is nothing that is so holy that it cannot be defiled. It is they who are the hypocrites. Do they not know that the eventual conseuquence of their beliefs, those dear beliefs that they've held since first being introduced to rock n roll, do they not know that complete and udder destruction is the end result? Is that not what it's always been about? An undoing of reality. They say I contribute nothing to humanity. Is that not the point? Are we not trying to take? We are not givers. We are takers. We are rapists and murderers and drug addicts. We revel in being a nigger. Is not a sense of common decency passe in the eyes of those who have crossed the line? Is it not useless? Why do you judge me so harshly? Is it simply because you can? Does it make you feel powerful? Are you trying to stay clean? Do I deflie you? History will take no account of me. I am not a king among men. I have nothing to offer except filth and hatred. You're absolutely right, when you say that I am no good. I am fruitless. I am not a fruit bearing tree. My soul purpose is to wither and die. That will be my greatest achievement.