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I feel an intense urge to go on a heroin bender  
08:53pm 17/01/2009
Darth Plumptious
Oh the great void that is the moment we live in now.  I've recently took down a video I posted on youtube because it's drug addled nonsense.   It's certainly novel, but childish, idiotic even.  Most of my music is quite childish and idiotic, I have no confidence in it.  I listen to other artists and I hear dignity and beauty, and when I listen to my shit I hear a monkey barking and smearing it's feces on the wall.  But I had a triumph today.  My mother listened to my music and thought that it was very good, and that she might be interested in using it in her dance productions.  It's good to know that what I do is useful to at least one person in this world, even if it is my own mother.  It means what I've been doing the past 8 years hasn't beena total waste of time.  
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My ape like mind says: "FUCK RECOVERY"  
02:18pm 27/11/2008
Darth Plumptious
As you know, I am in sober living, wasting my life away.  I depise this place.  But it's I who am holding myself back.  I am riddled with fear and doubt.  I cannot move on from this place until I figure out my complicated emotions.  There is nothing that I would love more than to spit liquor in my mother's face.  Thus expressing my hatred for her enthusiasm regarding my so called recovery.  It's societies way of making me tame.  It's what the collectivists want.  I must live inspite of these degenerates.  Many harsh words have been slung back and forth thus far.  I have encountered resentment and anger from my compatriots.  Most of those whom I know personally disdain me.  I do not blame them.  I am not someone to be admired.  I am a drug addict.  Hopelessly completely dependent.  I cannot do what so called recovery requires of me.  I will not relinquish my will to a group mind.  I am determined to stay in possesion of my will even if it means my complete destruction.  I am selfish yes.  I am mostly fruitless and lazy, yes.  I do what gives me pleasure, damn the consequences.  But I have awakened.  I am lucid now.  I am in control.   I fighting an internal battle, to gain dominion over my own will.  It's paradoxical yes.  I am using my will to fight for my will, which subsequently is possessed by an addiction and a fear of life.  They accuse me.  They accuse me of violence and rape.  I am innocent.  There is nothing that is so holy that it cannot be defiled.  It is they who are the hypocrites.  Do they not know that the eventual conseuquence of their beliefs, those dear beliefs that they've held since first being introduced to rock n roll, do they not know that complete and udder destruction is the end result?  Is that not what it's always been about?  An undoing of reality.  They say I contribute nothing to humanity.  Is that not the point?  Are we not trying to take?  We are not givers.  We are takers.  We are rapists and murderers and drug addicts.  We revel in being a nigger.   Is not a sense of common decency passe in the eyes of those who have crossed the line?  Is it not useless?  Why do you judge me so harshly?  Is it simply because you can?  Does it make you feel powerful?  Are you trying to stay clean?   Do I deflie you?  History will take no account of me.  I am not a king among men.  I have nothing to offer except filth and hatred.  You're absolutely right, when you say that I am no good.   I am fruitless.  I am not a fruit bearing tree.  My soul purpose is to wither and die.  That will be my greatest achievement.
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Burn the Church of the Sepulchre Down  
12:07pm 10/11/2008
Darth Plumptious
The church of the sepulchre, and all holy monuments are direct condrictions to the doctrine the religions they represent profess.  There is no sanctity there.  There is no god there, only warring apes.  They fight like dogs over territories that their particular churches have pissed on to make it theirs.   This meltdown is only a forshadowing of events yet to come in the religious world.  The truth is, that these men of God are men of war.  Their religion is an expression of their hatred for their own humanity, and their hatred for their fellow man.  The churches are built on hate, envy, and greed.  The churches are the supreme sinners.  It would be better for them to collapse, to fall, and to turn to dust.   Let the end come quickly, for that will provide us with a better way of life, and a closer connection to what is truly divine.  Let us not worship the shabby works of our own hands and minds.  Let us free ourselves from the bondage of religion, and transcend into the next world. 
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09:38am 02/11/2008
Darth Plumptious
Damnit.  They've all teamed up against me.  The entire organization of Alcoholics Anonymous has banned together to keep me from having a drink.  The government is in on it too.  They're threatening to cut my funding if I leave sober living.  They have me trapped.  I have nowhere to go.  I'm a prisoner of puritan values.  Save me.  My family is in on it.  They orchestrated the whole thing.  They are doing everything they can to turn me towards the so called "light of Christ".   I'm cornered.  There's no way out.   Gotta get tough.   It's time for desperate measures.  I'm phoning in a distress call to the underground base in Oberlin Ohio.   Maybe, just maybe, somebody will hear and throw me a life line. 
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02:31pm 31/10/2008
Darth Plumptious
There once was a young man named Theodosius.  He was a strange one.  He had an automatic rifle that he kept under his bed.  He was honest too.  He told people exactly what he though, without reservations.  The world to him was a sad scary place.  All the people in the world were walking corpses.  All the music was terrible.  Everyone was braindead.  Nobody used their minds.  He tried various things to help the problem.  Sometimes he'd play pranks on people.   Sometimes he'd take LSD, and ride his bike through the forest.  He appreciated nature, especially while high.  But nothing was good enough for Theodosius.   He saw a world controlled by happy morons, that couldn't be saved.  He wanted it to change.  He wanted to change it through peaceful means, but it didn't seem possible.  "Change only comes through the barrel of a gun", he thought to himself.  So one day he went to work with his automatic rifle.  He worked in a donut shop.  He walked through the door, and shot everyone in the place.  He shot Doris, the donut lady.  And he shot all the customers.  "I am GOD", he proclaimed.  He believed this action to be the most rational thing he'd ever done.  Through his actions, he drew a line in the sand and said "they cannot get me".  He unloaded the whole clip into the head of Doris the donut lady.  He reloaded and walked out onto the street.  The police had already arrived.  He barely set one foot out the door, when a bullet hit him right between the eyes.  He fell to the ground and died.  It was the final solution.
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I have truly changed.  
04:01pm 29/10/2008
Darth Plumptious
I've decided to go back into sober living, and stay until I can get my life together and get my own place.  I am considering getting off of SSI and working full time instead.  I am thinking about possibly driving a truck or a cab-you know, see the world.  I am more indpendent here than I have ever been anywhere.  This is a good time for reflection; to think about what has been going wrong in my life up to this point.  Why am I not where I envisioned myself at this point in my life?  What were the actions that got me here?  A big part of it has been my drug use.  But the drugs aren't really the problem.  If drugs were the problem, then I could simply quit and I'd be ok.  The real problem is my thinking, the state of mind that I am in.  My thinking is bad.  I focus on the wrong things.  When I isolate, this becomes very bad.  If one looks at my previous posts, that I posted in the past months, they are all centered around drugs.  But why?  Why am I so obsessed?  It's because I'm not fulfilling my potential, and I am looking to kill the pain through chemicals.  Drugs don't fix the problem, they make things worse, because while they do get you high for a short period of time, they cause you to crash and burn in the end.   Anything, as far as changing my life is concerned, would be progress.  Even if I were just to drive a cab, or get a motorcycle liscence, that would do wonders for me.  Being completely independent, financially, would give me a good boost of morale.  The reason I've been so creatively uneffective, has been because I am lacking in life experience.  I was rich in ideas when I was living in the world, but since living with my father, and being isolated from the world, and altogether too comfortable in my misery, I've not been experiencing life.  Now I'm in the world, and living life to a greater degree.  I am in the stream of it.  I have truly changed.
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slay the jews with your double edged sword  
10:51pm 26/10/2008
Darth Plumptious
I'm staying in recovery this time, but I think I need to get a different sponsor
I picked you kinda cause you're ok with not really having a working relationship
I don't know
 it's something I've been thinking about
 I'm not having an effective recovery, although it's more effective now than it ever was, because I'm putting in the effort
so I'm getting better
 drugs are just a problem
because they don't really work in the end
 and they destroy too much of your brain
 i really have a problem
 anyone who's done what i've done has had a problem
and drugs aren't what you romance them to be
 they aren't like that
 on the other hand it's something that brings me a lot of pleasure
 which is why it's hard to
 get over it
 I have no moreal problem with using drugs except that you only have a certain amount of time on earth, and you don't get that brain power back
 so to say fuck it and destroy yourself on drugs is insane
although then i get into deeper philosophical questions
 is there really a life and and a death?
there seems to be, but these things are all in the mind
 what is the meaning of it all really?
 how does one come to that conclusion
 that drugs are bad
 in a logical way
 why are they bad?
 they destroy the mind
 they make it impossible to leave an effective legacy
 ultimately you won't be remembered, I don't believe
what I mean is
 you're less likely to be beethoven
or bach
 or one of the great people of the world
 you could be marilyn manson, but that's not so impressive
: idiots get together and do drugs to make rock albums, and while they are good they are all products of drug use
 so isn't to be pro recovery, to also be anti marilyn manson?
how can you relate to it?
once you're sober
after having had drugs
you believed it on the other side of childhood 
you felt it first
without drugs
then you came to find drugs
atleast this happened for me
I came to find drugs and understand what they do
and what the illusion is
after being disillusioned about drugs, how can I even bear to listen to rock n roll?
it loses it's intelligence
most of it
 can bob my head and go yeah yeah yeah I'm a rock n roll mother fucker, or I could really work on building up my mind
and my character
 and my relationship with my higher power
I could tap into a new consciousness
: and get rid of all the old ideas
 put it all to death
 justice favors certain people, for their actions, and their character
i'm not sure justice lies
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07:30pm 26/10/2008
Darth Plumptious
One important thing to remember when composing music is the velocity.  Remember to set the velocity in variation when composing a clavichord piece.  I'm not perfect, but I'm a lot better than I was.  I've been in sober living for the fall, because I got a little out of hand with a can of airduster, and ended up throwing up all over myself.  I'm not ready to be 100% abstinent from all mind altering substances.  Marijuana is a weak spot, and I'm not even sure if I'm done with heroin.  But I am much better off.  I have a head full of recovery now.  I'm much closer to being completely free from all drugs.   But I want it to come naturally.  I don't want to force it on myself.  It doesn't work when I do that.  I'm doing everything that I can to stay in my right mind, and observe the effects of the drugs I use as they really occur, rather than see what I want to see.  I don't really need to get stoned.   I just think I do sometimes.  
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^ 55555 Yooi  
10:15pm 25/10/2008
Darth Plumptious
I'm not really free to say what I want to say.  Mostly because I despise my own writing.  I have nothing intelligent or worthwhile to say.  My prime motive is attention seeking.  I used to be good at it, but I've lost my touch.  Maybe if I started getting into the news-politics or something-I could find a source of inspiration.  I don't care about politics or anything, really.  I used to be a republican but then I realized that I only adopted that stance because I live in an area populated mostly by democrats and I wanted to be a troll.  I couldn't seriously believe in republican propaganda.  I'm far too pink.  I think that the wealthy should be taxed, and that that money should be doled out to crackheads who will spend it on crack and other drugs.  I think we should all engage in homosexual orgies.  I like gay marriage because it's change.  It's ushering in a new order of things, and causing the break down of the popular sentiments.  It has nothing to do with love, for me.  Nor does it have anything to do with justice.  I just like flaming faggots, and the fact that it stands as an affront to everything western civilization has been built on for the past 2000 years.  Christians have done themselves in by being so foul smelling.  I was one of those jackasses, not too long ago, who thought I was being a vanguard by advocating white pride and christian conservatism.  It was amusing for a while, but obviously it's garbage.  Not to mention I am a jew, not a christian, so it's pretty pathetic that I would adopt that stance.  I'm so ashamed of myself.  I guess there's nothing left to do now except slice off my penis in front of a group of preschool children.
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q Uazar b Endicto~;  
10:56pm 23/03/2008
Darth Plumptious
I'm pulling my hair out because I cannot seem to create any music that's worth a damn.  it's always some stiff drum beat, or some repetitive monotonous boring ass guitar with really typical sounds.  my mind is in prison.  i can't think outside of certain boundries.  it's driving me insane.  it's making me depressed.  i don't have what it takes to be a musician.  
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